Fire Down Below Read online

  I nodded, though I still felt a growing sense of unease. “If it’s what you really want then you should do it.”

  “You think so?”

  “Definitely.”

  Our food arrived. Ben had an egg white omelet with veggies while I had a stack of pancakes. I thought about what Ben had just told me and felt worried that our goals might conflict with each other, but then decided I was probably making too much of it. Ben and I were both still young and with enough time we’d figure things out. Plus we loved each other and what could be more important than that?

  ***

  Back at the house we decided to play chess. When we first started playing chess Ben tried to be chivalrous and, instead of playing his own game, kept trying to help me play mine. Of course I kept beating him. Even after I explained the rule of en passant, something he’d never heard of, he still didn’t get it. Finally I told him that I’ve been playing chess with my father since I was six years old and that I didn’t require any help from him. “Oh?” He seemed embarrassed. “That explains a lot.” Ever since then he played his best game, which is just the way I liked it.

  “Check,” he said, moving his bishop in direct line of my king.

  I stared at the board for a while and then blocked it with my knight.

  “Knight sacrifice?” He glanced at me as I shrugged. “I think not.” He studied the situation and I saw that he noticed my rook in the corner ready to swoop in and take his bishop. “Tricky girl,” he grinned, “but not tricky enough.” He moved his own rook into a defensive position. “We should pack tonight,” he said, still staring at the board. “I have to be at work by noon tomorrow.”

  Ben, no longer a bartender, had taken a job at the downtown REI store, which was obviously a better fit for him. He made a lot less money, though it hadn’t affected his lifestyle much. I suspected his parents were supplementing him and I imagined he wasn’t too keen on it. He wasn’t the kind of guy who’d want his parents paying his rent forever.

  “We could leave tonight if you prefer,” I said.

  “Nah, as long as we’re packed I think it’ll be okay to leave in the morning.”

  I watched as he moved his queen into position, setting up his third piece to corner my king. I was a step ahead of him though and when I moved my own queen to take his bishop I heard him groan as he finally saw my subtle attack.

  “Check mate.” I smiled sweetly.

  “Wow, didn’t even see it coming. Good one, Kate.”

  “My dad taught me that move. I’d almost forgotten about it. He called it the Queen’s Noose.”

  He nodded slowly. “Very nice.” He met my eyes and held them. I was going to turn away, but then I saw the way he was holding my eyes.

  “Hmm, I know that look.”

  Ben tilted his head back and gave me a sexy grin. “I’m sure you do.”

  “I take it you have something in mind?”

  “You could say that.” He continued to grin at me, his cheeks slightly flushed.

  “Would you like to tell me?”

  “You, ah, brought that lingerie along right? Would you put a skirt on too and meet me in the kitchen?”

  I raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. I went to change clothes, wondering what he had in mind. It was fun indulging Ben his fantasies. So far they’d all been erotic for me too.

  When I got to the bedroom I pulled my bag out of the closet. Ben always put his clothes away in the dresser, but I seldom bothered and just kept stuff in my bag. Luckily I brought the black skirt I wore the night we went to that horrible dinner party. I’d also packed a pair of black heels. I dressed quickly and then refreshed my make-up and fluffed my hair. Ben had given me a new bottle of Opium, so I squirted some on for good measure. Stepping back I gave myself the once over and decided that whatever he had in mind I was ready.

  Ben was standing in the kitchen gazing out at the view from the back window when I found him. He had the same distracted air that he’d had all weekend and I almost asked him what was wrong, but then realized he’d just brush me off again. I figured it must be the whole law school thing. Ben had a confident demeanor, but was a worrier and tended to obsess about something even after the decision was made.

  “Reporting for duty.”

  He turned around and smiled when he saw me.

  “Shall I get out the whipped cream and strawberries?” I asked. We’d had more than a few whipped cream and strawberry parties already.

  “No, I have something different in mind. Come here first though.”

  I went over to him and he pulled me in close, wrapping his arms around me. We stayed like that for a while, hugging each other. He felt so good in my arms. When we pulled apart he kissed me softly and then told me he wanted me to cook something for dinner.

  “You want me to cook dinner?”

  He nodded.

  “Is this part of your fantasy?”

  He nodded again.

  “Uh Ben, I hate to break this to you, but I can’t cook. Haven’t you noticed that before?”

  “There must be something you can make. How do you feed yourself?”

  I thought about it. “I could make you a bowl of cereal…,” I offered tentatively. “Would that work?”

  “That should work, but do it slowly, so that it takes a while.”

  I wondered how on earth I was going to make a bowl of cereal slowly, but I figured I’d do my best.

  “Shall I start now?”

  “Yeah.”

  Heading over to the pantry I opened the door and pulled out a box of granola—Ben’s favorite, since I wasn’t sure if he planned to eat it or not—and brought it back over to the counter. Next I went to the fridge and swung the door open wide as I pretended to look for the milk.

  When I glanced at Ben I saw that he was sitting at the kitchen table quietly watching me. I honestly couldn’t imagine how my making a bowl of cereal could be a turn-on, but then you never can tell what goes on in a guy’s brain.

  I noticed that Ben had gotten up from his chair and was coming towards me.

  Closing the refrigerator, I moved over to where the bowls were kept and took one down. The milk and cereal were right in front of me and so I picked up the box and started shaking it into the bowl.

  Ben stood directly behind me now.

  As I poured it over the cereal he moved closer and my stomach began to tense in anticipation.

  I slowly stirred the cereal with a spoon, wondering what he’d do, when I felt his hand on my right elbow.

  My breath stopped as his fingers ran lightly up the length of my arm. The sensation was understated, yet it pulled me in completely. He brushed my hair to the side and then I felt the softness of his lips on the back of my neck. His hands moved down over my stomach and hips. When one hand slipped down and cupped me between my legs something between a whimper and a moan escaped my throat.

  “Keep stirring,” Ben said softly.

  I gripped the spoon and continued with the now soggy bowl of granola. Looking at the gloppy mess I realized there was no way he was going to eat it and I should have chosen a box of something that nobody likes. Not to mention that I didn’t know how long I could keep this up, since his fingers were starting to do all sorts of interesting things down there. I gasped with pleasure when he found the opening to the crotch-less panties and slid two of them inside me.

  “Does that feel nice?”

  “Yes...,” I breathed.

  “I have something else that will feel even better.”

  He pressed himself against my back so I could feel his erection. I pushed back into him and all I could think about was that I wanted him to take me from behind and I wanted him to do it now. Ben had other ideas though. Instead he pulled the edges of my t-shirt up over my head and I felt the immediate coolness of the air against my nipples from the peek-a-boo bra I was wearing.

  “Turn around,” he whispered. When I did as he asked, he let out a long low breath, looking down at my body, running his hands
over my breasts. “You look so hot.” He bent over me and put his mouth on one of my nipples, while pinching the other, and I nearly fainted from pleasure.

  “I want you,” I said, pulling his blond hair. I reached down for the zipper on his pants. “I don’t want to wait.”

  Ben glanced at me and smiled. “Not yet,” he murmured. And before I knew it he was kneeling, pushing my skirt over my hips and burying his face between my legs.

  Every rational thought departed for other regions as I grabbed Ben’s head and squirmed against his mouth. I was already close to coming and he must have sensed it because he kept swirling his tongue over my clit very lightly, then harder, then lightly, then harder to the point where I was ready to scream with frustration because I was so close and he was prolonging it so much.

  “Please, Ben.”

  He moved his head from side to side as if he were saying “no”, but then I felt his tongue hard against me and this time he didn’t stop and I began to moan at the start of my climax. I kept moaning and grabbing his head with my hands, squeezing him between my thighs through wave after wave in what seemed like an eternity.

  Ben stood up. His face was flushed as he unzipped his pants, telling me to turn around and bend over the counter. I did as he asked and felt his hands between my legs guiding his cock. When I felt him push inside me, I gasped. He took it slow though, stopping every few moments, taking deep breaths before moving again. We went on like this for a while and I could tell he was trying not to come, which I was glad about, but at the same time I wanted him to do it faster.

  “Fuck me...hard,” I finally said in desperation and as soon as the words were out of my mouth he started to groan, grabbing my hips, unable to control himself any longer. At the same time I started screaming, since I was finally getting what I wanted, and between his groaning and my screaming we made quite a racket.

  Afterwards we were both breathing heavily as he semi-collapsed on top of me, his arm wrapped around my waist. I could hear him laughing. “Damn Kate, you can’t tell me to fuck you and then expect me to be able to keep going!”

  “I know...I forgot!” I started laughing too. I honestly had forgotten that if I talk dirty to Ben at all during sex, he usually comes. “I couldn’t help it. It felt really good, but it was getting tortuous going so slow.”

  “Yeah,” Ben said. “I was just trying to make it last.”

  ***

  We took a shower and then decided on a nap. I couldn’t help notice how restless Ben seemed. He kept rolling around and plumping his pillow. I nearly said something, but then he must have gotten comfortable because he remained quiet and still. It was an overcast day outside and I could hear rain tapping lightly against the roof and window. As I drifted off to sleep, Ben started talking to me. I was sort of half listening, but when I heard him say the words “get married” my eyes flew open.

  “What did you just say?”

  “I said I think we should get married.”

  I took a long moment to digest this, trying to decide whether he was joking or not. He certainly sounded serious. “We’re too young,” I finally said.

  Ben chuckled. “We’re not too young. We’re both twenty-three. Heck a lot of people get married younger than that, though I have to agree that would be too young.” He put his arm around me. “I love you Kate. I’ve never felt this way with anyone and the more I think about it I can’t see any reason why we shouldn’t get married.”

  Technically I was still twenty-two and wouldn’t be twenty-three for another couple of months, but I decided not to correct him on this. Instead I lay there very still. I tried to decide how I felt about what he was saying. It occurred to me that most women would probably have felt overjoyed, and I know that’s how I was supposed to feel when a guy I loved was asking me to marry him. For some reason overjoyed was not the word I would have used to describe the emotion I felt. I’d say dread was a far better word. Yes, that was it.

  Dread.

  I felt dread because I knew we’d reached one of those points in a relationship where there was no going back. It’s like how it is after you sleep with someone the first time and you know you can never return to just holding hands again. Ben had taken us to the next level, but it wasn’t a level I felt ready for, and I felt dread because I didn’t know how we could go back to how it was before.

  “So what do you think?” he asked. “I know I’m kind of throwing this at you, but how do you feel about it?”

  I sat up and pulled my knees in, wrapping my arms around myself. “Listen Ben, there’s something I need to tell you.” Looking up he seemed relaxed and confident and it struck me that he obviously assumed I’d marry him. “You know how you’re planning on going back to school? Well, I’ve been thinking of doing the same thing. That’s why I’ve been so busy lately. I’ve been putting together a portfolio for art school.”

  “That’s great,” he said. “I think you should definitely get your degree. We’ll both be in school at the same time then, but I don’t see how that’s a problem for us getting married.”

  “It is a problem.” I paused and then stared down at my legs. I took a deep breath before plunging ahead. “It’s a problem because all the schools I’m applying to are on the east coast.”

  He looked puzzled. “Well, I could always go to law school out there...,” he was saying it slowly, studying me, and judging by the expression on his face I knew he was putting two and two together. “You don’t want to get married do you?” he said in a flat voice.

  “I don’t think I’m ready for a commitment that big yet.”

  “I see. And when were you planning on telling me about school?”

  “Well, I haven’t even applied to any of the colleges yet. I’m still getting all the paperwork together. I don’t even know if I’ll get accepted. And then there’s all the tuition I have to figure out how—”

  “Jesus, Kate!” Ben suddenly threw the covers back and swung his legs down, so he was sitting on the edge of the bed away from me. “I don’t believe this! Here I am planning on marrying you, so we can have a life together, and the whole time you’re planning on moving away. How could you not tell me? How could you be so selfish?”

  I didn’t answer at first, taken aback by his anger. “I’m still in the planning stages and I didn’t want to upset you. I don’t even know whether it’s going to work out or not.”

  “You didn’t want to upset me? What the hell are you talking about? Oh my God.” There was a horrible expression on his face as if he’d just been punched in the stomach. “You don’t...love...me.” He said it slowly, like a fact that had just dawned on him.

  “What? That’s not true!”

  Ben put his head down, so his face was in his hands, shaking his head. I quickly went over and tried to put my arms around him, but he pushed me away.

  “Listen to me,” I said. “I DO love you. This is crazy. When you told me you’ve never felt like this with anyone before, it’s the same for me. I’ve never felt like this before either.” I put my hand on his back, but he shrugged it off again.

  “Don’t touch me.”

  “Come on, Ben.”

  He ignored me and got up from the bed and started getting dressed, shoving his legs into his pants, pulling on the same shirt he wore earlier. I felt dizzy as I watched him, that dizziness you feel when your life is spinning out of control and there’s nothing you can do to make it stop.

  “Please don’t leave,” I said. “I know I’m not ready to marry you right now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Even if I go to school on the east coast I’m sure we can still figure something out. We can still be together.”

  He turned around and I saw that his eyes were red and angry. “Fuck you,” he said in a strangled voice. “We’re finished. Do you hear me? This is over between us.”

  My mouth opened in shock. “Don’t say that! How can you say that?”

  Ben glared at me and when he spoke his voice shook. “If you loved me you would try t
o include me in your life, Kate. I know we’re not always into the same things, but I want you close to me, so I try. You never try though. You always keep me separate.”

  “That’s not true. I just don’t want to force you into doing things you don’t like.”

  He kept talking as if I hadn’t spoken. “And here I was worried that you’d think my going to law school would affect our relationship, when the whole time you were making plans to go away to school and those plans don’t include me at all!”

  “Well, you were making plans to get married without telling me. You didn’t even ask me to marry you—did you notice that? You told me we should get married. Don’t you think I deserve a real proposal? Not some half-tossed comment while we’re lying in bed together.”

  He glared at me. “Would it have made a difference?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If I’d asked you to marry me while we were on top of that hill overlooking the valley, someplace romantic like that—because that’s what I had originally planned—would you have said yes?”

  I wanted to respond, but I didn’t know what to say because the truth was it wouldn’t have changed anything. I felt sick to my stomach. Ben was still watching me with a stony expression and I was almost tempted to take it all back, tell him I wanted to get married, tell him I was just scared, but I knew I couldn’t because it wasn’t the truth and because I really did love him, I felt he deserved nothing less than the truth.

  “Just what I thought,” he said when I didn’t answer. And then he left.

  I nearly got up and went after him, begging him to stay, but I didn’t. Instead I sat on the bed for a long time staring at the wall across from me—every line and crack, floor to ceiling—the long empty wall. At some point I started to cry. I cried loudly, wailing like a child, and then I went into the bathroom and took off the whole roll of toilet paper and sat there on the toilet seat crying and blowing my nose.

  I knew I was going to miss him. I was going to miss all the wonderful things about him.